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When I got home from school my Dad came into the laundry room and gave me a hug and asked me how my day was and then handed me a piece of Anice candy and said, "Because youapos;re a good girl."

For some reason that made me sad tonight.


Iapos;m just going to smarten up and stop deluding myself. Graeme and I will likely only be good friends at best. Iapos;ll just be lucky if itapos;s anything more. Iapos;m not saying that Iapos;m giving up on it all together. Iapos;m just going to stop letting myself hope he opens his eyes and sees whatapos;s right in front of him.

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The funny thing is is that wen im in pain an want a pain killer to numb the pain. Thats usually wen i left the pills at home an wen i end up not getting to drink anything that night(which is not a big deal)im saying that because..wen i do have either a painkiller digesting in me already working or when i have the pills on me an i didnt even take them yet for sum reason thats wen the partys start to happen an i actually get offered a drink.. 09:51am Monday Oct/20/2008

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I just got gas for TWO FIFTY a gallon. Dude I canapos;t remember the last time I paid so little (And yeah, thatapos;s sad, but Iapos;m still doing a happy dance right now.)

(For peeps around the Loudoun/Fairfax County border, that price is at the 7-11 right off of Cascades, across Cascades from Costco the Target plaza.)

Maybe everyone in the world already knows about this, but in case you donapos;t: Go to Mapquest and youapos;ll see a button at the top for "Gas Prices". Enter your address and it will list the closest gas stations and the current prices for gas. Iapos;ve known about this feature for a while but Iapos;m usually a big slacker who just pulls in wherever itapos;s convenient and not hideously overpriced in comparison to other places. Today, checking that saved me fifty to sixty cents A GALLON. And I didnapos;t even have to really go out of my way to get there.

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�well, my friends cant really make it over today. Im actually kinda relieved in a way. If they came over, theyapos;d raid my fridge and iapos;d end up binging along with them. I really just want to go out and lye in the sun..


its pathetic, i just cant stand being this fat anymore. I see my sister and sheapos;s perfect and my entire family love her. My family are one of the main reasons for my ED i guess...

my sister has been the absolute golden child for years. Sheapos;s skinny and absolutly stunning, she always seems to have WADS of cash and is studying phyciatrics in Univercity and the apple of my mum and dads eyes. Even my cousins prefer her over me... I was always fat little Sasha eating too much at christmas dinner... They would look at me and give me greasies as if i always ate too much. Its funny, my mum is a stick with blonde hair and blue eyes, my sister is also a stick with blonde hair and blue eyes. My dad is built with brown eyes and black hair, and my brother is built with black hair and brown eyes.. And theyapos;re all geniuses..

but me? im short, really fat with auburn mousy brown hair and green eyes... And im dumb... Like REALLY dumb. Im dropping maths, doing no science, doing va and drama and all that... Where do i fit in this picture? no one ever actually cares for me because theyapos;re always beaming about my sister or brothers achievements. They constantly tell me ill never amount to anything. And i mean CONSTANTLY. No matter what i do, i never make them proud and they never seem to be happy with me no matter what i do...�

my nickname at school is apos;Pigapos;, and my nickname as a child was apos;Piggyapos;. I was a baby pig, and now im an adolecant pig... I dont want to be a pig anymore... I just cant take it..



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It has been some time since I have found the words to speak my will,
So frustrating, I feel as if I am writing through a barrier.

Iron-cast, shut tightly, with padlocks restraining my soulhellip;
For what is kept within, it is not time yet to reveal.

I have no words.

Hysterical cries resound in my head, the only release I have from all that I feel,
GONE

The glass is thrown, paper-thin, across the roomhellip;
I scream, it smasheshellip; both it and Ihellip; we slide down the wall.

Irsquo;m wearing a tie that is tied far too tight, every word in my head is constricted,
For what I want to speak will not come loose.

Tapping at plaster that will not loosen and fallhellip;
No light snow of plaster, no cracks seem to show.

My mouth is wrapped with black tape
Masochism in poetry
Possibly the sickest scenario of allhellip;

Vile rage builds up behind my eyes,
Only a single tear dares to make its entrance from the dark holes,
Which are my eyes ndash; blue glass ndash; papery skin folds over them and hides their pain.

My arms are bound behind my back,
Irsquo;m restrained by the fear of the unknownhellip;

A lumpen sob escapes the back of my throat,
Hits the paper, slides down, is lost to the black hole beneath my feethellip;

Sucked into torment, to be moulded into devilrsquo;s shapes.

I want to write my heart down on this page,
But..

But...

l canapos;t find the back-door that lets me in.

Where has it gone?
Where have I gone?

Where is my whip of self-flagellation?

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cloze creation story

Where to start?

Well, Iapos;m afraid my journal isnapos;t going to be much of a laugh for the next little while.

Today I feel like talking about my struggle with SA.

Yeah, I know that sounds a bit infomercial-esque, but ah well.

I donapos;t think anybody really believes me. They donapos;t get that Iapos;m not just shy.

"What? No you donapos;t. Youapos;re just shy, thatapos;s all."

And you wonder why I donapos;t like to talk to people?

It gets worse during the school year.

SA being Social Anxiety, btw.

I didnapos;t realize it until now, that it gets worse during school, I mean.

Everytime I get sick (which happens quite frequently), I get scared to go back to school.

Right about now I really, really hate school.

Iapos;m tempted to just drop out of highschool and finish via correspondence.

My grades would probably be alot better, actually.

I miss too much school to have good grades. Plain and simple.

And I really hate highschool.

I have friends. I think.

I think people like me.

But I donapos;t like me.

Iapos;d much rather everyone just forgot about me.

I know I spend alot of time whining about how Iapos;ll never find myself a half decent guy who thinks Iapos;m a half decent girl, but it isnapos;t until I get like I am now, this current state of mind, that I realize I donapos;t like people enough. I donapos;t like myself enough.

Iapos;ve been home for the past 2~ weeks. But I was at school on Friday even though I was still sick.. And of course I felt even worse when I got home.

I have been sick, really. I havenapos;t been faking it.

But I think part of the reason Iapos;m not recovering very quickly is because Iapos;m so terrified of going back there.

Subconsciously making myself sick, I guess?

I think that maybe, somehow, boys can tell how unstable I am. Like a 6th sense.

Women have their intuition, boys have their.. Freak radar?

Thatapos;s what I feel like right now, a freak.

I hate myself.

Sometimes Iapos;m rather apathetic when it comes to how I feel about myself, but Iapos;ve never loved myself, nor have I ever felt like anyone truly loved me.

I hate it.

Maybe if I had some sort of a connection to the outside world, to everyone around me, I wouldnapos;t stay locked up in my room for days, delving into other, make believe worlds.

Books, movies, and video games. Iapos;ve never had a truer friend.

Things that are meant to entertain turn into my companions.

Might be why Iapos;m such a bloody packrat. I get attached to things.

Might be why I go absolutely berserk when anyone messes with my stuff, or heaven forbid, go into my room and move things around.

I wouldnapos;t go so far as to say that Iapos;m lonely, but something to that effect. Unloved, I guess.

Maybe why I donapos;t seek out companionship with people, at least not in the real world, is because I donapos;t know if I can trust it.

In the end, companionship is so meaningless to me. Why? Because I find myself constantly thinking, "No one loves me."

I donapos;t mean Romeo Juliet style of love either, just caring for me, truly and deeply and.. I donapos;t know.

I really didnapos;t want to show Ralph my blog, I mean I suppose I did, but now I wish I hadnapos;t.

I liked to have some place to dispose of my word vomit, with the hopes that someone somewhere would read it, without ever actually having to worry about what they might think.

Now I have to deal with Ralphapos;s reaction.

I hope he forgets about my blog.

Iapos;m not about to go out and make another bloody blog just so I can remain anonymous.

Too lazy, too tired.

Too attached.

Iapos;m stuck in a rut, ladyapos;s and gentlemen. Stuck in a fucking rut.

- M
cloze creation story.